In February, I attended the “Keeping Motherhood Real” conference hosted by Sue Hawkins from Your Pregnancy Matters, this was an informative and inspirational conference presented by national and international guest speakers. These speakers gave us an update in regard to the challenges and new hopes that women and couples are going through during the antenatal and postnatal period.
Through my previous work, personal experiences and after getting inspired by the conference colleagues, I am more convinced that supporting, guiding and encouraging men who are becoming fathers is of relevant importance. Additionally, I arrived at the conclusion that the father is a figure in evolution.
Until a few years ago, the role of a father was mainly focused on the economic /work mainstay of the family, while the care and emotional relationships were considered to be more relevant to the woman.
Today we are faced with a different scenario. The concept and the style of fatherhood are profoundly changed over the years.
The fathers, from their increasingly frequent presence even in the delivery room, are much more involved and active alongside their partners and much more present in their participation in the beautiful process of growing a new life.
There has been a gradual transition to a new father figure, a figure with large capacities for empathetic, communicative, collaborative and tactile qualities as opposed to what it was 50 years ago where fathers had very little interaction with their children. Even if we really live in a highly disorganised life (from a relational point of view), new fathers in our generation are allowed to be soft and emotional, taking their children to school and contributing to a more functional distribution of parenting roles which is really exciting.
While the “father to be” does not “live” the bodily changes associated with pregnancy, from the moment in which he receives the communication of the expectation of the unborn child, he begins to understand that the son/daughter “grows” within him. It is in the wake of this expectation that gradually, fatherhood develops.
The moment of the birth of the son/ daughter (or in the first contact with the same in the case of foster care and adoption) determines and coincides with the birth of the father.
For years we have spoken of the “depression post-partum” of the mother. We often read articles about “how dads can support mum emotionally during pregnancy” but so far, very little has been said and done about the experience of the father after the birth of their child. Everything changes, from the family dynamics, to the family structure within both the couple and the extended family. Additionally, the man goes against a strong redefinition of himself, which must be managed and supported. It is therefore important that the man accepts this passage which marks the change from one phase of the life cycle to another. This is a life transition and one of my favourites to work with.
The difficulties that, beside the undoubted joy, pervade fatherhood need to be taken into serious consideration by experts and professionals (social workers, psychologists, counselors, anthropologists, psychiatrists, obstetricians, as well as GPs). I am talking about the difficulties associated with the responsibility of a new life, which can bring forth meaning of inadequacy. The fears of change and the anxieties of getting involved in the new life, the jealousy toward the partner or the difficulties related to the engagement of a new and complex role that leaves behind the lightness of the young age.
Certainly, this new approach to “growing parenthood” involving both parents, from the earliest moments of pregnancy, need to be supported. Contributions from the media and expert institutions are necessary so each man may have the opportunity (and the right!) to access support and knowledge to choose wisely on how to live his own fatherhood.
The man of today is making great strides in his own way of redefining fatherhood and becoming a father, overcoming the primitive reluctance to make contact with his own feelings and emotions.
I strongly believe that to support the evolution of a “The Birth of a New Father” men should be given the chance to “feel more equipped” through a preventative project. We know that we can find support groups for the postnatal stage, however wouldn’t it be great to guide and encourage them to believe that they are capable of dealing with this overwhelming ‘life transition’? Wouldn’t it be great to show them that it can be safe and ok to be sensitive and emotionally available? Wouldn’t it be great to let them know that we appreciate them for taking the time to stand up against social norms and discover, feel, live and unleash their sensitive side during one of the most important time of their life? Wouldn’t it be great to provide an emotional, holistic, educative and practical support to help them to connect with the new, intense and positive feelings from conception?
The aim of this preventative project would be to see men living the “birth event” from gestation, with vitality and preparation, and engaging in the evolution of fatherhood as a process that leads them to feel and become fathers.
This is what I will work hard for!
Dr Micaela
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